Can you be satisfied with “do what you can”?
“Just like magic, I’ll be flying free. I’mma disappear when they come for me”*
All of my life I’ve been a “do what you can,” as-much-as-you-can soul. I never fancied disappearing because I wanted to make a positive impact and I thrive on making a difference. That’s my name Kelly, “Warrior.” On the other hand, I want to get away from some things. I get tired. Tired from the battle. Tired of pain.
My “just do what you can” struggle
Since May 2009, we’ve laughed about my inability to multitask with a blog. I guess I was supposed to be able to travel or work on projects and still blog away. But living with rheumatoid disease is already multi-tasking, so I failed miserably at that. Many of you now know as I fought the battle of my own rheumatoid disease and for better care for all of us that I was also managing another battle.
“I know that I am runnin’ out of time. I want it all, mmm, mmm”
The past couple years I’ve beaten myself up for not being able to do it all at once –
- Live with this disease, which can be like a part-time job
- Raise Roo and take care of him and his needs
- Do what’s needed for the legal case
- Do the work I’m so passionate about via RAW and RPF
Sometimes – for about 5 minutes – I think I can manage it. And then I can’t move my arms to change my shirt for 3 days… And then I’m working for a week on an important blog post, and some big case-related event just takes over. And that blog post is still sitting in my Mac – 4 months later.
Just do what you can. Duh.
“And I’m walkin’ on a wire, tryin’ to go higher. Feels like I’m surrounded by clowns and liars”
The counselor treating me for PTSD says it’s okay to just do what you can do… Well, duh. Of course I would say that to someone else. To my kids, or to you. But it’s my nature to try to do everything and please everyone. Foolish. Wrong. And impossible.
Perhaps all this will help change to my flawed nature to try to do too much. Do you only change when you have no choice? Maybe I will finally be able to be content with “just do what I can do” and ignore the “clowns and liars” who will never be satisfied anyway.
If you just do what you can do, what about your passion?
“Just like fire, burnin’ up the way. If I could light the world up for just one day”
“If I could light the world up for just one day”! My passion is to bridge the gap in both directions between experiences of PRD (people with rheumatoid disease) and those who take on aspects of their treatment (doctors, nurses, researchers, pharma, government agencies…). We’ve made big strides and the gap has gotten smaller. But there’s still much to do.
And now, for me that gap has gotten very personal as my RD has been made a significant part of this protracted legal case. And so the battles overlap. It is unthinkable for someone who knows better to accuse you of malingering – moments after you struggled to stand up from a toilet. I hope your RD has never gotten that bad in your knees, hips, or ankles, but I know for some of you it has. Thankfully, good doctors have provided medical and moral support to help me face this too.
Can vile lies or a vile disease stop my passion? No.
This fire cannot be put out, though I move slower.
Every day I am reading research on my phone and daily discussing studies with KB.
There’s so much to learn and do.
There’s so much I want to write about for you.
But I’m just doing what I can.
What’s your passion? Can it burn its way through whatever threatens to stop it?
“Watch this madness, colorful charade. No one can be just like me any way”
I wish I could talk freely with you about the madness involved in our legal situation, but that will have to wait until the case is over. Meanwhile we face a charade (this song is perfect) that puts Roo at risk and costs us in several ways. I’ve given a lot for him, but I’m not the only one. Who could imagine friends that would take us into their home for over two years?
Somehow – All things work together for the good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. It might not seem so. But I believe it is so even when we have to wait to see that worked out and just do what we can.
Like Roo’s favorite colorful “Spots” from Put Me in the Zoo, we need to know we are special enough to be ourselves. No one can be just like you any way. We don’t have to figure everything else out first. We just do what we can.
Why Go Fund Me Legal Aid?
My Uncle Sam (yup, for real) created a Go Fund Me page – to help pay the attorney’s fees in this custody case. All of the money Uncle Sam raised has been used to pay legal fees, and our accounts with the lawyer and court appointed psychologist are still behind. It’s been so far behind that they warned us our hearing for Roo could be postponed. I wish I could tell you everything that has been done to drag this out and force us to pay more costs, in hopes that I will give up. One day, it will be over and I won’t be afraid to tell you so much more. I just can’t give up trying to safeguard Roo.
– If you’ve read my uncle’s Go Fund Me updates, you know the court battle is being dragged out by opposing counsel who just got another 2 week delay for the 2nd half of June’s hearing (that I tried to get since January) – now set for mid-August.
– We need your help with the legal battle by donating on the Go Fund Me page whenever you can.
– You can also help by praying for Roo. He’s had some pretty severe setbacks over the past few months after a temporary order on private visitation. Roo is such a bright and loving boy.
– Roo and I continue to live with extremely generous friends who’ve obviously become family to us. Our church and family members have also been extremely kind in providing compassionate support and helping pay legal bills.
– Will you please share the Go Fund Me page link by email or on Facebook or Twitter? Maybe others you know can donate $10 to help us make it to the end of this case.
*Lines from “Just Like Fire” by Pink inspired me as I wrote this post weeks ago, but circumstances kept interrupting publishing. Please pray with me that I can publish again asap.
“I will keep smiling most of the time; I’m not going to wait until the pain lets up. But, when RA makes things a misunderstood mess, I’ll reserve the right to cry too. If my eyes can manage it…” continue reading The Confusion of a Smile.
“Meanwhile we must have a warrior’s intensity of focus that can’t easily be derailed. Warriors don’t give up – at least for very long. Living with a chronic illness wears you out. For some the disease itself is disabling, but its psychological toll can also seem immobilizing. Warriors fight on with our whole hearts. So, how to live like a warrior lesson one is…” continue reading How to Live Like a Warrior: 3 Lessons.
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- I Want My Life Back
- Rheumatoid Awareness Day 2016